Hello! Do you feel like you've been here before? Probably you've been to another place that's very much like here. My name is Kelly and I'm really enthusiastic about things I love. I most love makeup, kdramas, and kpop. Oh, and also my family.
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A list, by Kelly.
White chocolate
Scented trash bags
Scented tampons
People who open a straw and just leave the paper right there, the trash can is 4 steps away, what the fuck is wrong with you
That thing where you get a really low grade fever which is just no big deal at all except your whole gottdanged body hurts like someone beat you with a baseball bat
The way EVERY phone system says, “please listen closely as our menu has changed.” Listen, you can’t all have recently changed your options. It has NOT, you KNOW it has not, and I know it has not, you’re just trying to politely say “please don’t mash 0 til you get to speak to a person, you impatient asshole.”
OH AND THOSE PHONE SYSTEMS THAT MAKE YOU TALK so you’re yelling “NEW SERVICE” or “REPRESENTATIVE” over and over and over until you JUST MASH 0 TIL SOMEONE SPEAKS TO YOU
The farts of dogs who have recently gotten into cat food
Childrens’ games that take 10 minutes to set up for 45 seconds of playing
Desserts and other dishes that involve hot fruit
When the shower curtain won’t stop sticking to you because you can’t get the shower head adjusted exactly right so it hits you in the dead center of the back so you have to stand off center in the shower.
This is Stitches. He is an Abomination.
When you’re just trying to have casual chit chat with a customer and they start going off about some random topic in such a way that all you can do is just not say anything else at all because it turns out they’re kind of a racist or an asshole or a racist asshole and they’re talking like of COURSE you agree with them, like it’s assumed you’re the same kind of asshole, when you’re actually a totally different kind of asshole
That thing where when you flex your foot or stretch your back and you know as you’re doing it you’re going too far but you do it anyway and then get the massive cramp you knew you were going to get
When you get a new phone and it automatically adds all of your email contacts as ACTUAL contacts so you’ve got like 8000 people you’ve only ever emailed one time ever and didn’t even enjoy that one interaction
The way children behave in such a way sometimes that you’ve got to threaten to take away stuff YOU ACTUALLY ALSO WANTED TO DO and then you have to follow through with it
BMI measurements at a 5 year old well check you just fuck right off with that
Ok, I think that’s it for now.
OMG. OMG. OMG YES.
HOT FRUIT. Especially hot berries. Shudder.
All, but especially the last one. And especially if your pediatrician is a woman who is 5’10” and 115 lbs.
I especially hate the cramp thing.
I’m glad SOMEONE is on my side with the hot fruit thing. It’s terrible!
Scented tampons are a thing that exists? This may be the worst of the abominations you have listed.
The casual chit chat turned racist/other kind of assholeish rant happens to me all too often. WHY? It makes me so, so angry! WHY do these people assume I hold their views, sometimes EVEN AFTER I have EXPLICITLY told them I don’t? Do they not believe me? Are they TRYING to pick a fight? I am considering the purchase of appropriate t-shirts in bulk: many, many Obama, Hillary, and other such t-shirts. I will just point to the t-shirt and give a pointed look.
CAT FOOD DOG FAAAAAAAARTS
I’d have put the scented trash bags in the first 100 places because they give me frickin’ migraines, and I’m pretty MEH about white chocolate, but other that that… YES. YES!
Also, hot fruit? I like fruit. If I wanted to scald the inside of my mouth, I’d eat something not-delicious. Like a lit votive candle or something. I LIKE COLD PIE. Or room temp, that’s okay too. Hot fruit can… oh, wait. It probably already is in Hades. Hmm.
The BMI measurement at my son’s INFANT WELL CHECKS.
THIS IS YOUR TWO MONTH OLD BABY’S BMI.
EXCUSE ME ARE YOU KIDDING
White chocolate isn’t even chocolate. It is almond bark without the almond. So basically it is bark.
I do, however, like the hot fruit.
I want to meet the person who invented scented tampons so I can punch them in the face.