Hello Korio
13. 11. 2015

I’m sorry, I went to Mars there for a second, but I’m back now and I’ve got t-shirts for everybody.

Of course life kicks me in the ass right when I start a totally ambitious (not actually bitous at all, except in my own head and determination to be bitious) new blog, because, I don’t know, Murphy or something. It’s pleasant to think that the universe acts in response to my own actions, but have you noticed we only really think that when something goes wrong? Like the universe is just waiting to fuck with you. Like the universe is sitting around looking for people who did some innocuous thing like wash their cars, then sends a flock of birds to shit on it. No one credits the universe in that same kind of way when good things happen. Like oh, I did my hair today and it looks fabulous, but it rained, but I totally remembered my umbrella. THANKS, UNIVERSE. So the whole thing kind of falls apart, I guess, unless you want to believe the universe is a total fuck with you for the hell of it kind of guy. Which I guess most of us kind of do, and you know what, that’s a pretty dim outlook, so let’s just not do that anymore. My life didn’t suddenly get crazy because I started a new blog and the universe thought I was getting uppity. It just got crazy because it did.

Anyway, I was in my car yesterday and I was listening to the radio – satellite radio because we get about two stations on the regular radio where I live, and if you live in the kind of place that is so remote as to only get two stations, you can assume you’re probably spending a long time in the car to really get anywhere, so it’s kind of backwards, because you’re in exactly the kind of place that needs more than one station. That’s how we justify paying for Sirius, anyway, not that you care, but the point is, it’s satellite radio and I don’t know where it comes from, so I don’t know where this commercial is based, so I don’t know if you’ve heard it or not. But maybe you have!

So in this commercial I heard (some stations on Sirius have commercials because they’re just regular stations or whatever from big cities, but others don’t), they said something like “hashtag fbf.” Obviously that would be more accurately written as #fbf, but that’s what I heard. And, you know, I do the whole Internet thing, so I’ve seen that hashtag around. I’ve also seen #tbt, which has been around a really long time, since the dawn of hashtags, maybe, back when people USED HASHTAGS PROPERLY, not the kind of garbage people are doing today, where they put phrases in their hashtag that should just BE PART OF THE TWEET, and I don’t know, abuse of systems that have no actual basis in any kind of authority or necessarily need to be any kind of strict really annoys me because I’m that kind of pedantic person. And #tbt is Throwback Thursday, when you post a picture from a long time ago, like when you were a kid, or when you were in college, or to that day last week when you thought you looked particularly good. And I gathered from the kind of pictures that I’d seen people posting under #fbf that #fbf meant basically the same thing.

And you know what? I thought it was so obnoxious. I mean, I never called anyone out on it because I’m more of an internal pedant, but come on. If you missed posting the picture on Thursday for Throwback Thursday, just wait until next week. Why do you have to make up a whole new thing? I mean, Frowback Friday? It doesn’t even make sense. Just wait. It’s seven days! You can do it!

Then the commercial went on to say something about Flashback Friday.

Oh.

OH.

And listen, I have to tell you, I did not just have my pedantic annoying thoughts in the 4 seconds between when the commercial said “hashtag eff bee eff” and “Flashback Friday.” No, I have thought this forever, or at least since the first time I saw #fbf, and this commercial just revealed the truth to me, and I was suddenly extremely grateful that I usually keep this petty pedantic shit to myself (except for the difference between the required eating methods for string cheese and Kit Kats, something I WILL NOT DISCUSS HERE SO DON’T EVEN TRY BUT YOU’RE PROBABLY WRONG and someday I will surely tell you that at great length), because you think there is nothing worse than a pedant, but there is, and that’s a pedant who is WRONG.

So that got me thinking about times I’ve jumped on someone for some petty thing, something I was actually totally certain I was right about, and turned out to be TOTALLY WRONG. I couldn’t actually think of any, which is not evidence that I HAVEN’T done it, but more likely evidence that my mind has completely blocked it out to save me from reliving the shame over and over, like you do with embarrassing moments, and then have to say something out loud or sing a song or something to try to force your mind to STOP REPLAYING IT.

As usual, when I think of something terrible I’ve done (or have most likely done in this case even though I couldn’t think of an exact example at the moment), I immediately want everyone to tell me of all the times they have done the same or similar.

11 responses to “Self-righteous wrongness.”

  1. Swistle says:

    I informed my brother, scoffingly, mockingly, that “al dente” (which he’d just used to describe how he liked his pasta) just meant “to the tooth,” so it meant “to your own personal taste”—i.e., meaningless. And I’d READ that somewhere, so it’s not like I was making it up. But I was wrong. It DOES mean “to the tooth,” but it’s also a legit cooking term for a way to cook pasta. Apparently. I’ve been too embarrassed to issue a retraction.

  2. Erin says:

    My most embarrassing one is going on and on about creative spelling of names and like, come on people, don’t you know that that name already has a correct spelling and that is how it is supposed to be spelled…to a person with a creatively spelled name, who turns out, likes their name. This person was super gracious about it and did not say anything.

    But when I realized later what I’d done I was SO SO embarrassed. And anyway, I have changed my stance on that. Name your kids whatever the hell you want, and however the hell you want to spell it. AND I’ve discovered that a lot of times names that look like they have made up spellings are that way for a real reason (background or honor names or whatEVER) and hey, Past Erin, it’s none of your business anyway and you don’t get to make rules for other people.

    • Dr. Maureen says:

      This reminds me of the time I went on and on and ON AND ON to a guy I met in the common room in college about how absolutely TERRIBLE this recent production of _Waiting for Godot_ was and it turned out he had produced and directed it. This is not a case of my being wrong about something – it was horrendously bad – but boy was that awkward.

    • korio says:

      I am really trying to adopt this attitude because, come on self, I have a trendy name. I mean, it’s not trendy NOW, but when I was born, it certainly was. People like what they like and a lot of times that’s what the trend is and my name SEEMS, you know, basic now, but it was also super trendy at one point and I grew up and it’s FINE and I’m probably just being crotchety. For the exact reason you mentioned, I need to get those thoughts under control because invented names/creative spellings are just HOW THINGS ARE, just like Kellys and Jennifers were HOW THINGS WERE and expressing that distaste is definitely going to embarrass me at some point.

  3. Dr. Maureen says:

    I laughed at my brother-in-law and told him that jet packs aren’t real one time.

    https://duckduckgo.com/?q=jet+pack&ia=about

  4. Maggie says:

    Well I got in a major argument (preinternet) with my college boyfriend about whether the word was proboscis or probiscis. I was wrong and boy did I go to the mat about it. I was also totally wrong about the fact that tigers don’t live in Africa. Is it any wonder I didn’t marry my college boyfriend…

  5. HereWeGoAJen says:

    I am going to start sarcastically saying “THANKS, UNIVERSE” when things go right.

    And for the record, I knew that #fbf meant that and I still find it annoying to have it right after #tbt. Once a week is enough! Or just post your old pictures whenever you want, no one cares. (I see the conflicting nature of my two statements. I do not care.)

  6. Natalie says:

    I feel like I have done this too many times to count. Especially to my husband, partly because he is like you and remembers EVERYTHING that ever happened ever and sometimes it’s infuriating.

  7. Angela (@Aferg22) says:

    Oh, just this weekend, I was at a party at a bar, where we had a private area sectioned off. There was a wall of beer taps in the area, where you could put money on a card, activate the system and then pick any beer you like and drink until the money ran out. Genius idea for the bar, very bad idea for me. Anyway, two guys not a part of the party came up to the beer tap wall and started trying to push buttons on the screen to get beer without using a card. Since I was an expert at using the system by this time, I tried to tell them that they were doing it wrong and they needed to buy a card. The guy just ignored me and kept tapping away. I then tried to get him to leave by telling him this was a private party. He kept ignoring me and tapping away at the screen. I told him again that he was doing it wrong, and then he said that he not only worked at the bar, but had installed the system. Oops. Kudos to him that once he got the system to work with his password (which was why he didn’t need a card), he got his beer and then left it open for us to use until the money ran out. I felt like a big tool.

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